Written by: Jonita Fair-Payton on November 11, 2024

Let Them Be Wrong

I have learned to let people be wrong. It is something that I have learned to do over time, after many failed attempts at trying to convince someone of something that they did not want to be convinced off. My sister is highly skilled at letting people be wrong. She and I could not be more different. She is extremely smart, knowledgeable in many areas, and has a quiet strength, a grace about her. When she is in a room full of people you would surely recognize her beauty, it’s unmistakable, but you may not know how she feels or what she thinks. She is listener, a masterful observer. She does not feel compelled to correct and definitely has no interest in arguing. I do not possess a fraction of the things that make her amazing. I have my own gifts and biting my tongue is not one of them. Fortunately, it can be learned and watching my sister for years has helped me figure out how to do it gracefully.

I appreciated the section on “How to Let Friends (and others) be Wrong”. The authors suggest that utilizing a key phrase can help you navigate these types of conversations. They recommend that, “Saying “I hear you” is a powerful and easy way to let your friend know you’re listening. It’s also useful when you aren’t sure what to say next.” [1] I contend that this will only work if you want to keep listening. I find it difficult to do so for any extended length of time, especially when what they are saying is not only wrong but filled with crazy and made-up facts. I suppose conversations with friends are a bit easier to remain engaged and put effort into listening and responding thoughtfully because there is a relationship that may be worth preserving.

False Facts

But what about the conversations with those that you don’t have a vested interest in maintaining a relationship? What about the conversations with people with whom you are casually acquainted? What about the conversations with those who hold the most insanely outrageous beliefs supported by equally outrageous non-facts? These are the most difficult conversations to have and the most challenging to remain engaged and respond with “I hear you”. It is these conversations that we want to shout, “Stop Talking!” The authors state, “The most difficult thing to accept for people who work hard at forming their beliefs on the basis of evidence is that not everyone forms their beliefs in that way.”[2] I agree with this fully. Not everyone forms beliefs based on facts, as Boghossian and Lindsay share “many people believe what and how they do precisely because they do not formulate their beliefs on the basis of evidence-not because they’re lacking evidence.”[3] It is difficult not to state facts, statistics, actual true accounts when faced with this type of reasoning or lack of reasoning. As the authors remind us, “Offering evidence-facts—almost never facilitates belief revision for any belief with moral, social, or identity-level salience.”[4]  They also state that most of the time, “Introducing facts with the intention of changing someone’s mind, except under rare circumstance when there is no moral, social, or identity concern, gives your conversation partner a reason to become more entrenched in her beliefs.”[5] So, what are we left with? Is the option to just listen to things that we know to be false? What is the point of that?

God’s Work To Do

I think the best approach is to only engage in conversations, difficult ones, when you have the patience to actually listen. I think that it is important to know your triggers. I think that you must know when to walk away. I think that under no circumstances should you engage with the intent of changing someone’s mind, which is for them to decide to do. And most importantly, sometimes you have to just listen and be okay with not correcting. I often say to myself in difficult situations and conversations, when I feel like I’m not making any progress, “This one is God’s work to do. It is beyond my ability!” Some things aren’t for me to fix and I’m okay with that.

[1] Peter G. Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (New York, NY: Hachette Go, 2020), 75.

[2] Ibid., 99.

[3] Ibid., 99.

[4] Ibid., 100.

[5] Ibid., 101-102.